How to respond to nasty emails
We’ve all been on the receiving end of a nasty email, as well as its secretive, vaguely insulting cousins. You know the messages I’m referring to. They don’t need exclamation points or all caps to be full with anger and dripping with sarcasm.
Dressing someone down via email is tempting because it’s easy, you have plenty of time to vision up daggers that strike straight to the heart, and you lack the inhibition that’s present when the recipient is staring you in the face. This type of email is known in cyberspace as “flaming,” and all such messages have a single thing in common, a complete and utter lack of emotional intelligence.
A recent survey (sponsored by communications device manufacturer Plantronics) found that 83% of today’s workforce considers email to be more critical to their success than any other form of communication.
Email has been around in the world long enough that you’d think that we’d all be pros at using it to communicate effectively. But we are all human and if you think about it we haven’t mastered face-to-face communication either.
The bottom line is that we can all use a little help. The five strategies that follow are some methods for keeping your emotions within reason, so that you don’t hit send while your emails, tweets, comments, and virtual chime-ins are still flaming.
1. Follow Honest Abe’s First Rule of Netiquette
Lincoln in his younger years, had a bad habit of applying his legendary wit when writing insulting letters to, and about, his political rivals. But after one predominantly contemptuous letter led a rival to challenge Lincoln to a duel, Lincoln learned a valuable lesson, words impact the receiver in ways that the sender can’t completely comprehend.
By the time he died, Lincoln had amassed stacks of flaming letters that verbally shredded his rivals and subordinates for their bone-headed mistakes. However, Lincoln never sent them. He vented his frustration on paper, and then stuffed that sheet away in a drawer. The following day, the full intensity of his emotions having subsided, Lincoln wrote and sent a much more pleasant and appeasing letter.
We can all benefit from learning to do the same with email. Your emotions are a valid representation of how you feel no matter how intense but that does not mean that acting on them in the moment serves you well. Go ahead and vent—tap out your anger and frustration on the keyboard. Save the draft and come back to it later when you’ve cooled down. By then you’ll be rational enough to edit the message and pare down the parts that burn, or even better rewrite the kind of message that you want to be remembered by. Just remember leave the “To” part blank.
2. Know the Limits of Virtual Humor
Some people show their disapproval with words typed in ALL CAPS and a barrage of exclamation points. Others, though, express dissatisfaction more subtly with sarcasm and satire. The latter is no less of a breakdown in the core emotional intelligence skill of self-management, and it can be even more dangerous because it’s harder to detect when you’re doing it. The sender can always convince him or herself that the spite was just a little joke.
3. Remember That People Online Are Still People
While captivated by the warm glow of a computer monitor, it’s sometimes difficult to remember that there is a living, breathing human who will end up reading your message. Studies have shown that people who are communicating online experience a “disinhibition effect.” Without the real time feedback between sender and receiver that takes place in normal face-to-face and telecommunication, we simply just don’t worry as much about offending people online.
We don’t have to experience the discomfort of watching someone else grow confused, unhappy, or angry because of something that we said. When these natural consequences are delayed, we tend to spill onto the screen whatever happens to be on our mind.
4. Know How The Internet Feels 😉 🙁 😮
Emoticons have a mixed reputation in the business world. Some people and even organizations believe that smiley faces, winks and other symbols of digital emotion are unprofessional, undignified, and have no place outside of a high school hallway.
When used properly, however, a Dutch research team has shown that emoticons can effectively enhance the desired tone of a message. The team led by Daantje Derks at the Open University of the Netherlands concluded that “to a large extent, emoticons serve the same functions as actual nonverbal behavior.” Seeing that nonverbal behavior accounts for between 70 and 90% of a message when communicating face to face, it might be time to ditch the stigma attached to emoticons in the business setting.
For those leery of dropping a smiley face into your next email, I’m not suggesting that you smile, wink, and frown your way through every email you write. Just don’t be afraid to peck out a quick 🙂 the next time you want to be assured that the recipient is aware of your tongue in cheek.
5. Know When Online Chats Need To Become Offline Discussions
Managing online relationships will always be a somewhat difficult task for people built to communicate in person. However, managing critical email conversations is even more difficult for those programmed to communicate via email. Significant, prolonged, and heated email exchanges are almost always better taken offline and finished in person.
With so much communication taking place via email these days, it can be hard to initiate a face-to-face conversation when you feel that an online interaction is becoming too heated or simply too difficult to continue online. Online technologies have become extremely useful for increasing the speed and efficiency of communication, but they have a long way to go before they become the primary source for creating and maintaining quality human relationships.